Every time I go on Insta, or as some say, Inestagram, I get this feeling of being left behind.
I think someone’s gonna come along and say, “You’re still using that? Man, you’re so behind the times,” and then smash something the size of a piano with an axe. Then they’d bring out something tiny, like a dental floss wire, and say, “Well, my dear laggard, with our pianos, whenever you want something, you just hum and it’s connected to AI. It doesn’t play the whole piece but helps you look less ridiculous.”
The next video shows someone pouring a 20-liter jug of dishwashing liquid into a kitchen sink and saying, “Still stuck here, buddy?”
You say ‘clean eyes’ and instead of pressing a button, you snap your fingers. Two seconds later, your solution is ready. This solution does it all. If, after opening it, you tell it ‘hand wash,’ it becomes a hand-washing liquid.
Just one drop is enough to wash your hands, tiles, ceramics, or even a bird cage, provided you pour it into the center of the cage as I mentioned in the caption. The first refill is free, so if you run out of drops, you bring it here and we fill it up. Then, you subscribe to our drop service for a year and use our cleaning drops endlessly. Got any questions?”
You can’t really question these videos. I mean, millions of people are buying these products. Who am I to ask questions? Must be legit. For the price, I have to send a direct message, which takes ages since it’s hooked up to AI. It tells you, “You are the 721st person in the queue,” and repeats it twice to make sure us left-behind folks are hearing correctly.
The next video is of a middle-aged lady who shows up everywhere with her umbrella and recites poetry. Honestly, the only important thing she has in this world is that umbrella since I saw in one video that she wouldn’t even lend it to Fakhri, who seems to be her friend, worker, and typist for her poems. For just a tenth of a second amid the poetry clip, she yanked it back to herself. I can imagine now that everything’s shut down she wouldn’t even let her husband borrow it to go sit at the park.
Next is a pet care video. Dogs have a lot of rights over us. They can travel miles to get back home. On the way, they’d tell their owners, who can’t hear them at all now, “I screwed up, woof woof.” We laggards can’t even keep dogs in our apartments or backyard homes because we don’t even own backyard homes. Apartments are no place for that mess anyway.
Next up, a cat video. The head of the cat squad, who mostly works in the yard of the Artists’ House park, has logged 14,950 hours taking care of poorly cared-for and stray cats. In this video, they’ve said that these last 50 hours need to be done with the help of your capable hands in the Artists’ House park. We must show that our support for animals is the strongest. Then, a thousand and four hundred-and-some comments like “How great,” “So educational,” “Where can I buy a ticket?” “Didn’t marry, no kids, just a cat lady,” appear. We don’t even have a cat because we don’t have enough space for ourselves in our apartment. We don’t even know how to entertain the cats since we don’t entertain ourselves either.
The next video is an art gallery introduction. Today, the dear actor Mr. Boogh came with his wife so-and-so and his little son Khosrow Boogh, aged three, from Tehran. They even brought their dog, Daniel Boogh. Khosrow commented on the exhibition’s quality: “Oodoo bebe komm komm komm,” showing he’s quite satisfied with the refreshments.
And again, another one of the thousand videos telling you not to rinse the chicken. Don’t rinse the meat. The only thing you’re allowed to wash is your dear derrière. Even then, if you freeze it, it’s better.
