It was a dream: My sister's childhood memories were woven into my shawl.
I miss her little being. She's grown, but I miss her when she was little and she was playing beside me. Sometimes I feel she's my child instead of my sibling. I miss her saying "Dadashi."
It's been a long while. I don't know what's wrong with me. But it seems I have every reason to cry. My eyes seem blue and I don't know how to make them stop. It's like you don't know how not to cry for something that you hold sacred and holy in your heart.
It was a memory. I think I was in grade 6 and my sister was close to 4 years old. She's grown now and she's not at the house all day. And I can't believe I am sad for this, but it seems part of me is sad because she doesn't have the time to spend with me anymore. Not much like before.
In the dream, She was part of my shawl. I felt her like a part of my being.
And then this questions arises in my mind:
How can I unlock the filter to my past?
What has happened to me that I've become such a sad person?
I don't understand myself—my emotions—fully.
Can you believe a point in which the only thing you can do is cry? Why is it so hard to come along with your after 20s? I guess my sister is right. I need to get out of the house. I make this excuse that there is only a brief timeline between me and me getting my Master's and PhD and then I will have a job and the life I want. But you know that better than me. It's actually the start of catastrophe.
The point is not waiting for the right moment to do something. The actual matter is starting anyhow you can. Taking action is better than static flow of water. I want to be fluid, but how?
I remember she -as her little being- liked to make me walk after her and be careful about what she's doing. She liked me watching after her. I felt like someone responsible around her. Someone with authority and power. As she got older, she wasn't the same person anymore. She liked me, but not like before.
I feel that I am behind in life. Everyone is moving on, but I am still stuck in here. I am stuck in my room and it seems there is nothing that I can do. A series of feelings of helplessness pours in and I don't know how to avoid it.
I want to forget what I had in my mind for my future, but it has become part of me, because of my previous self-expectation. It's hard to accept yourself when your body doesn't accompany you. I want to get up in the morning and start my studies, but nor do I have the motivation, nor the energy. I fall asleep on the table, or without knowing, on my hands. I feel sorry for myself, but it seems there is nothing that I can do. My body shuts me down every time I try to push myself forward for more.
I wanted a world for myself, but now I have become the target of my own greed.
I've got memory issues. It's difficult for me to memorize sentences and words. I am worried about my future. I feel I don't have any place in human society. I feel a parasite living inside of me. A blue parasite with sad thoughts and horrifying dreams. A parasite who takes its food from my body. And that's why I feel weak and not having any control over my body.
I don't want to start my "Vampire Diaries story," but I've become a vampire—of course, not by blood, but by melancholy. Days are sad for me and nights make me feel alive.
I want to run away as fast as I can, but what's the point? Living all around the world is like that. There is not a single point as long as you're all alone. I've found out that we live for each other, and when there is no "other," this is the part that can make us vulnerable towards depression.
I started my pills last June. It's been a year. I feel a bit better, but it's all the same.
I want to be independent. I want to be strong. But it seems I haven't been built that way. Like Hiccup in the animated movie How to Train Your Dragon. I feel I don't belong to the world, and I am from an unknown place.
I am starving for connection, but at the same time, I don't have the energy nor capacity for anyone else but myself. I just want to keep myself like an island. Why? I don't know even. It works like something unconscious. I don't want to depend on people, because it hurts so much when they avoid you or leave you.
Everyone is so busy. It seems no one has time for me. I don't want to nag, but how am I supposed to have a busy life when my body, all he can do, is sleeping?
I don't feel like a fighter anymore. I feel like the person who has been blamed for the things he didn't have any right over them. A real loser from the past. Like the main character in the movie Interstellar, when he awakens and sees his daughter as an old lady. This is the real feeling of being stuck in your past. You're yourself, but not in the right shape.
Depression is not gonna get any better. I have lived with it since I was 15 years old. Nothing changes. It only gets worse and nastier.
This is what I tell myself: “You need to find your way through it”.
1405/03/28 - Thursday - June 18, 2026 - 07 : 16 : 01PM
