Since my teenage years, I have always asked myself, "Why are we here?" Due to my tendency to overthink, I couldn't let go of this question. I asked everyone I knew, and even approached random strangers. However, in 12th grade, I gave up on finding the answer and instead focused on becoming a better person in order to make the world a slightly better place. I read a book called "The Compound Effect" and started watching YouTube videos on developing good habits and getting rid of bad ones. I educated myself in these areas and applied them to my daily life. As a result, my mental and physical health improved day by day and I was able to achieve many of my goals by the end of the year. However, despite having everything I wanted, I still felt empty. I searched for something, anything, to fill this void. At first, I thought a relationship would do the trick, but it didn't. Then, I searched for an internship and miraculously found one that seemed perfect for me. I got in and did my best, but the environment was not good and I ended up feeling even more miserable. During this time, my family went through a big change that I would rather not talk about. It was the end of the semester and I was dealing with exams and the problem I mentioned earlier. Honestly, I was feeling terrible. Then, my mentor from the internship texted me and said that I wasn't good enough to continue. It's a weird sentence, isn't it? "You aren't good enough." I guess we sometimes tell ourselves that, but hearing it from someone else... it hurts. Summer came and I didn't have many friends to hang out with. Some of them were in their own cities, so we couldn't meet up. Being alone is kind of a value in my family. It wasn't always like this, but things happen and as a kid, you don't have a say. It hurts, but all you can do is accept it and move on. Sometimes, I wish moving on was only about traumas or things, not loved ones. So, I watched movies, exercised, traveled, and searched for another internship. This time, I asked myself, "Why do I want to work at all?" I realized that I only wanted a job because I wasn't good enough at university and I hated going to that place of torture. I hated everything about it - I couldn't act the way I wanted because I was a girl and was expected to be calm, kind, and nice all the time just to avoid judgment. I hated that I couldn't talk about things I cared about with my classmates. I hated that I was questioned about what I should wear and that everyone tried to be cool instead of being themselves. I just wanted to be myself and find a place where I belonged. I searched for other places and in the end, I found my home. Isn't that amazing? I know that I will eventually move on from this home too, maybe not today, but the time is close. You might ask why, so let me answer. When you work for someone else and your vision of what you want to do in life is different you are essentially renting your lifetime to those people in exchange for learning, payment, and a community that they have built. In my opinion, people are the most important thing, no matter where you go or what you do. If your vision is different and you can't see the bigger picture in your job, you will eventually leave that job and the people, no matter how much you like the community. So, you might ask where this journey has gotten me. This journey won't necessarily take anyone anywhere, but now I am trying to look at the bigger picture and understand why everything happened the way it did and what my mission is for the world. As you know, when we pass a phase of our life, we can see better that it was never about anyone specific, it was about all of us.
my telegram channel: @simrapioo
